Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
JOAN RIVERSOn the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
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Keep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: “Run your own race, put on your blinders.”
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Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “pick up, I know you’re there.”
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Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.
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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
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Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
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You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
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Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it…Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
JOAN RIVERS






