Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
JOAN RIVERSOn the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
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I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
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There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
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I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
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Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: “Run your own race, put on your blinders.”
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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
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I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”
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I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’
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You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
JOAN RIVERS






