Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
JOAN RIVERSOn the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
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Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
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One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
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There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
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The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.
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Better laid than never.
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Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
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A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year – and has yet to receive a Mother’s Day card from one of them.
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Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
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Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: ‘We will laugh tomorrow about this.’ And you do.
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I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
JOAN RIVERS