If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.
JOAN RIVERSYou know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
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Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
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The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius’ bathroom floor.
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Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
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Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
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I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
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My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
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Old age is always ten years more than we are.
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year – and has yet to receive a Mother’s Day card from one of them.
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Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
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Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
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Better laid than never.
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I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. You get better.
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I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
JOAN RIVERS