I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
JOAN RIVERSYou know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
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I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
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Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. You get better.
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My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
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Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
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Florida wants to change the state’s motto to attract younger people. They’re thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
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If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
JOAN RIVERS