A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
MITCH HEDBERGIs a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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Every picture of you is when you were younger.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
MITCH HEDBERG