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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?

Mitch Hedberg

Related Topics

FunnyHumor

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Marilyn Monroe Paulo Coelho Abraham Lincoln C. S. Lewis Khalil Gibran Charlie Chaplin Gautama Buddha Isaac Newton

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  When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.

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  If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

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  The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.

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  An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.

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  I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”

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  I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

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  I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”

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  Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?

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  I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

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  A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”

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  I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.

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  I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.

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  I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

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• 

  Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.

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• 

  Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.

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• 

  Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.

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