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I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.

W. C. Fields

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
W. C. FIELDS

Expectation Herself Life Man Woman Yourself
Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Hate See
When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
W. C. FIELDS

Doctor Togetherness
When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
W. C. FIELDS

Death Hope Life Lost
I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.
W. C. FIELDS

Beautiful Herself Love Myself
Sex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.
W. C. FIELDS

Death Necessary Sex Yourself
It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
W. C. FIELDS

Attitude Deep Yourself
The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Breathe
I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.
W. C. FIELDS

Myself Religious
Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.
W. C. FIELDS

Goodness Lost Myself Night Thankful
Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
W. C. FIELDS

Food Funny
I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.
W. C. FIELDS

Habit Mad Myself Weird
I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.
W. C. FIELDS

Funny Myself Time
If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Funny Wings
I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.
W. C. FIELDS

Life Myself Young
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Food

I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.

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I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.

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