If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.
W. C. FIELDSChristmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
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I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
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There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
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The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
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Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.
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I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.
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Never give a sucker an even break.
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I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.
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Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
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I drink with impunity, or anyone else who invites me.
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I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.
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I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.
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I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
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I drink therefore I am.
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Prayers never bring anything, They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy – but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.
W. C. FIELDS