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Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.

W. C. Fields

If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
W. C. FIELDS

Care Husband Wife
Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.
W. C. FIELDS

Easy Time Yourself
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
W. C. FIELDS

Man Money Poor Rich
When you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with.
W. C. FIELDS

Morning Smile Wake Up Yourself
There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Parents Tough
I must have a drink of breakfast.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Morning Myself
Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
W. C. FIELDS

Trust Yourself
If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
W. C. FIELDS

Life Live Myself
I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
W. C. FIELDS

Myself Vote
I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
W. C. FIELDS

Destroy Myself See
Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
W. C. FIELDS

Beautiful Experience Life
Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
W. C. FIELDS

Marriage Night Survive Woman
Sex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.
W. C. FIELDS

Death Necessary Sex Yourself
Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
W. C. FIELDS

Funny Home Start Time
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Home
Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
W. C. FIELDS

Heart Live Worry Yourself

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.

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Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.

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Popular Authors

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