There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
W. C. FIELDSChristmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.
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Take me down to the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together!
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The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
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Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.
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A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
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I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
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Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
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Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
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Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
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When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
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Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
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A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
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I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.
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It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.
W. C. FIELDS