I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
W. C. FIELDSChristmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
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My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
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The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
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If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
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A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
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Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.
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Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
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I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.
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The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
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You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.
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Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
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Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
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There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
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I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.
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Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
W. C. FIELDS