I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.
W. C. FIELDSChristmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.
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You can’t cheat an honest man.
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Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
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I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.
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Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
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It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
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Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
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I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
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Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
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I never met a kid I liked.
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Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
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I must have a drink of breakfast.
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Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
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Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.
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A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
W. C. FIELDS