My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
W. C. FIELDSMy illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
W. C. FIELDSSome people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
W. C. FIELDSIf I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
W. C. FIELDSBeer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
W. C. FIELDSI must have a drink of breakfast.
W. C. FIELDSFew things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
W. C. FIELDSI never met a kid I liked.
W. C. FIELDSThe world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
W. C. FIELDSSomebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
W. C. FIELDSI cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. FIELDSNow don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.
W. C. FIELDSIf it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.
W. C. FIELDSI spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
W. C. FIELDSSex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.
W. C. FIELDSI never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
W. C. FIELDSWouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
W. C. FIELDS