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Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.

W. C. Fields

I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
W. C. FIELDS

Destroy Myself See
I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Myself
There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Parents Tough
I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
W. C. FIELDS

Equality Freedom Hate Myself
If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
W. C. FIELDS

Care Husband Wife
A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
W. C. FIELDS

Worth Wrong
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.
W. C. FIELDS

Fools Inspirational Quit Success Yourself
If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Funny Wings
I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.
W. C. FIELDS

Funny Myself Time
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Illusion Reality
I must have a drink of breakfast.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Morning Myself
The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Breathe
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
W. C. FIELDS

Better Sex Worst
Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
W. C. FIELDS

Deep Reality Tragedy
Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.
W. C. FIELDS

Goodness Lost Myself Night Thankful
When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.
W. C. FIELDS

Hands Life Yourself

Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.

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Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.

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