You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
W. C. FIELDSPhiladelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Sex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.
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If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
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It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.
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Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
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If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
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Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.
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I never eat before breakfast.
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The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
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I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.
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When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
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It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
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Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
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There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
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Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
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I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
W. C. FIELDS