Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.
W. C. FIELDSA thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
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Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
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Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
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Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.
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During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
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Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
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Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
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Prayers never bring anything, They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy – but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.
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I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
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When you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with.
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A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
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There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
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A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
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Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
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Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.
W. C. FIELDS