Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
W. C. FIELDSFew things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
W. C. FIELDSMy illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
W. C. FIELDSWhen life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.
W. C. FIELDSI like children. If they’re properly cooked.
W. C. FIELDSI never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. FIELDSSome things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
W. C. FIELDSI always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
W. C. FIELDSI never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
W. C. FIELDSI exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
W. C. FIELDSI didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
W. C. FIELDSI’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
W. C. FIELDSJust like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
W. C. FIELDSI have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
W. C. FIELDSMy main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
W. C. FIELDSAh, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.
W. C. FIELDSI don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
W. C. FIELDS