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During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

W. C. Fields

Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
W. C. FIELDS

Food Funny
I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
W. C. FIELDS

Advice Age Alcohol Authority Give Up Myself
I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Food Myself See
Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
W. C. FIELDS

Break Himself Honesty Man Myself Smart Yourself
It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.
W. C. FIELDS

Alive Funny Old World
I never eat before breakfast.
W. C. FIELDS

Eat Myself One Liner
Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.
W. C. FIELDS

Easy Time Yourself
Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Believe
I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.
W. C. FIELDS

Argument Attitude Myself
I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Money Myself Wild Woman
Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Hate See
The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
W. C. FIELDS

Himself Mom
I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
W. C. FIELDS

Improvement Myself
I never met a kid I liked.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Myself One Liner
I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.
W. C. FIELDS

Myself Religious
If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
W. C. FIELDS

Life Live Myself

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

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During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

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