A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
W. C. FIELDSComedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
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Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
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I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.
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I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
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You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.
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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
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Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
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The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
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It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.
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Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
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Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
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Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
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I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
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Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.
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During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
W. C. FIELDS






