There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
W. C. FIELDSComedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.
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I never met a kid I liked.
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I drink with impunity, or anyone else who invites me.
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Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.
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It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
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If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.
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The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
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Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
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I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.
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Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
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A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
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You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.
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Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
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I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
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Sex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.
W. C. FIELDS