Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
W. C. FIELDSComedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
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I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
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A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
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I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
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Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
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Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
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The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
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I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
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I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
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Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.
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Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
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It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.
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I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.
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Take me down to the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together!
W. C. FIELDS