If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
W. C. FIELDSComedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
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Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
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Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
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You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
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When you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with.
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Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
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I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.
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I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
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This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.
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I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
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Yes I do like children, Girl children, about eighteen or twenty.
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I must have a drink of breakfast.
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The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
W. C. FIELDS