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Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.

W. C. Fields

It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.
W. C. FIELDS

Excellence Friendship Future Present Reason Remember
Sex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.
W. C. FIELDS

Death Necessary Sex Yourself
When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
W. C. FIELDS

Doctor Togetherness
My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
W. C. FIELDS

Doctor Force Myself
I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.
W. C. FIELDS

Argument Attitude Myself
Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.
W. C. FIELDS

Easy Time Yourself
I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Food Myself See
Take me down to the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together!
W. C. FIELDS

Togetherness Travel
A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
W. C. FIELDS

Man Pain Woman
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
W. C. FIELDS

Man Money Poor Rich
Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
W. C. FIELDS

Trust Yourself
During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Live Lost Struggle Travel
I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
W. C. FIELDS

Advice Age Alcohol Authority Give Up Myself
I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.
W. C. FIELDS

Believe Empty Food Myself Weird
I like children. If they’re properly cooked.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Food Myself
Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
W. C. FIELDS

Born Lose People

Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.

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Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.

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