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I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.

W. C. Fields

I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
W. C. FIELDS

Destroy Myself See
A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
W. C. FIELDS

Worth Wrong
Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.
W. C. FIELDS

Business Laugh Oneself People Purpose Serious
Take me down to the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together!
W. C. FIELDS

Togetherness Travel
I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
W. C. FIELDS

Age Food Myself Need
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
W. C. FIELDS

Better Sex Worst
I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
W. C. FIELDS

Myself Religion Time
Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
W. C. FIELDS

Deep Reality Tragedy
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Myself Wine
When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
W. C. FIELDS

Doctor Togetherness
Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
W. C. FIELDS

Appearance Help People Sex Ugly
It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.
W. C. FIELDS

Excellence Friendship Future Present Reason Remember
It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.
W. C. FIELDS

Alive Funny Old World
Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
W. C. FIELDS

Break Himself Honesty Man Myself Smart Yourself
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
W. C. FIELDS

Morning Smile Start
Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
W. C. FIELDS

Destroy Evidence Success Yourself

I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.

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I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.

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