My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
W. C. FIELDSThere comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
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A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
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Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
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Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
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If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
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It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.
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Sex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.
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There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
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Drat! Being the encapsulated view of life.
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If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
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Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
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I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
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Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
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I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.
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Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
W. C. FIELDS