No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.
W. C. FIELDSAnyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
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I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
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Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
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Drat! Being the encapsulated view of life.
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If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
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You can’t cheat an honest man.
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If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
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Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.
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When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
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Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
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Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
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Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
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I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
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I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.
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I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.
W. C. FIELDS