I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.
W. C. FIELDSAnyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
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During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
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A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
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I drink therefore I am.
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
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Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
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Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
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A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
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I never eat before breakfast.
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I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
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Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
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A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
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Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.
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Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
W. C. FIELDS






