I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
W. C. FIELDSWhen we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
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My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
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A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
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Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
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The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
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I like children. If they’re properly cooked.
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I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
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Sex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.
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A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
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Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
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Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
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Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
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I drink therefore I am.
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It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.
W. C. FIELDS