Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
W. C. FIELDSWhen we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
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Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
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It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.
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No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.
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Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
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Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
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If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
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Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
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If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
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My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
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Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.
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I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.
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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
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Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.
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Drat! Being the encapsulated view of life.
W. C. FIELDS