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Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

W. C. Fields

My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
W. C. FIELDS

Doctor Force Myself
I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Money Myself Wild Woman
When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
W. C. FIELDS

Doctor Togetherness
Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
W. C. FIELDS

Appearance Help People Sex Ugly
I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
W. C. FIELDS

Improvement Myself
I never met a kid I liked.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Myself One Liner
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
W. C. FIELDS

Father Myself Prison
A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
W. C. FIELDS

Worth Wrong
There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Parents Tough
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Food
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
W. C. FIELDS

Man Money Poor Rich
The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
W. C. FIELDS

Herself Judgement Life Nation Need Wife
If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
W. C. FIELDS

Life Live Myself
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.
W. C. FIELDS

Crazy Doubt Existence Woman
You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.
W. C. FIELDS

Enough Fools Live People Time Yourself
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
W. C. FIELDS

Morning Smile Start

Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

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Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

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