“In a study, scientists report that drinking beer can be good for the liver. I’m sorry, did I say ‘scientists’? I meant Irish people.”

I don’t like a tremendous amount of conflict. I don’t think that fighting and passion are the same thing.

Nothing is creepier than a bunch of adults being very quiet.

You can’t control things by being nervous.

If you retain nothing else, always remember the most important Rule of Beauty. “Who cares?”

A Clinical Study. Taking some time to read each night really taught me how to feign narcolepsy when my husband asked me what my “plan” was for taking down the Christmas tree.

You’ve got to experience failure to understand that you can survive it.

I want to thank my parents for somehow raising me to have confidence that is disproportionate with my looks and abilities.

My work is my work. I take my work seriously but I don’t take myself too seriously.

I feel like there is a lot of inherent humor in the stress and insanity surrounding that process.

To say I’m an overrated troll, when you have never even seen me guard a bridge, is patently unfair.

I was first in my class at Johns Hopkins, so?” Make statements, with your actions and your voice.

When a coworker shows me cute pictures of her dog, I struggle to respond correctly, like an autistic person who has been taught to recognize human emotions from flash cards. In short, I am the worst.

There are no mistakes only opportunities.

I am going to dedicate myself, full time, to my day-drinking.

You can’t be that kid standing at the top of the waterslide, overthinking it. You have to go down the chute.

It was reported that the New York Knicks have won all 12 of the home games attended by magician David Blaine. A spokesman for the Knicks said, ‘if this is what it takes to win, it’s not worth it.’

Beer, it’s the best damn drink in the world.

I don’t care what kind it is, just get me a beer.

My beer drunk soul is sadder than all the dead christmas trees of the world.

Everyone must believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

I’m an old-fashioned guy. I want to be an old man with a beer belly sitting on a porch, looking at a lake or something.

Milk is for babies. When you grow up you have to drink beer.

Beer may cause you to digress and lead a happier life.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.