“I do like to start on time; I like to set the bar high for people.”

Whatever the problem, be part of the solution. Don’t just sit around raising questions and pointing out obstacles.

Gay people don’t actually try to convert people. That’s Jehovah’s Witnesses you’re thinking of.

Maternity leave is over for Tina Fey of Saturday Night Live. She’ll be back behind the Weekend Update anchor desk for this week’s episode, her first show since giving birth to daughter Alice on Sept. 10.

Why are my arms so weak? It’s like I did that push-up last year for nothing!

Seriously, I’ve just realized that almost everyone is a fraud, so I try not to feel too bad about it.

This weight of embarrassment came over me, and I felt like I was sweating from my spine out. But I realized, ‘Okay, that happened, and I did not die.’ You’ve got to experience failure to understand that you can survive it.

Whatever the problem – be part of the solution

Obviously, as an adult I realize this girl-on-girl sabotage is the third worst kind of female behavior, right behind saying “like” all the time and leaving your baby in a dumpster.

Now every girl is expected to have: Caucasian blue eyes, full Spanish lips, a classic button nose, hairless Asian skin with a California tan, a Jamaican dance hall ass, long Swedish legs, small Japanese feet, the abs of a lesbian gym owner, the hips of a nine-year-old boy.

If you ever start to feel good about yourself… …. they have this thing called the internet.

You can tell how smart people are by what they laugh at.

Everybody kind of gets to be the person they didn’t get to be.

To me YES, AND means don’t be afraid to contribute. Always make sure you’re adding something to the discussion. Your initiations are worthwhile.

My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.

In my experience, the hardest thing about having someone “come out” to you is the “pretending to be surprised” part.

Sometimes if you have a difficult decisin to make, just stall until the answer presents itself.

Finding an etiolated Henry James slumped at the bar in a haze of indecision, and shooting him dead.

If the history of the American sentence were a John Ford movie, its second act would conclude with the young Ernest Hemingway walking into a saloon

For my bar mitzvah, I gave out a mix tape of ’90s grunge – if you got it now, you would think it was the ‘Singles’ soundtrack.

I watched a lot of the James Bond movies, certainly, both the old ones and the reboot with Daniel Craig. I watched a lot of the Matt Helm films with Dean Martin, which just have these great car scenes where it’s rear-projected, and they just start making martinis out of a bar in the glove compartment.

You taste something from St. George, even across categories – the gin, the whisky – it tastes like something from St. George. It’s the same as going to a great bar:

Be every bar, and every star, Displayed in full and glorious manner! Blow, zephyrs, blow, keep the dear ensign flying! Blow, zephyrs, sweetly mournful, sighing, sighing, sighing!

Well, let’s see, I found out Pagan has low blood sugar and becomes a complete b–witch if she doesn’t eat a candy bar during a stressful moment.

I’ve always said I’m the worst representative of Muslim-Americans that’s ever existed, because I’ve been inside more bars than mosques.