Nothing is creepier than a bunch of adults being very quiet.
TINA FEY‘How do you juggle it all?’ people constantly ask me, with an accusatory look in their eyes. ‘You’re screwing it all up, aren’t you?’ their eyes say.
More Tina Fey Quotes
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I want every day to be the most boring news day ever. I want every day to be about spelling bee champions and baby basketball. It’s better to have no comedy material than a horrific news day.
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It was reported that Guy Ritchie has cast his wife Madonna in a small walk-on role in his new movie, Revolver. Madonna will play the part of the woman who ruins the film.
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In an attempt to make things easier for myself, which is the basis for all of history’s worst decisions […].
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I do like to start on time; I like to set the bar high for people.
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North Korea referred to The Interview as absolutely intolerable and a wanton act of terror.
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In real life, people in the most dire situations must cope through humor.
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In my experience, the hardest thing about having someone “come out” to you is the “pretending to be surprised” part.
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Just say yes and you’ll figure it out afterwards.
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You can’t be that kid standing at the top of the waterslide, overthinking it. You have to go down the chute.
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Don’t waste your energy trying to educate or change opinions… Do your thing and don’t care if they like it.
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You do not have to sleep with a comedian to learn what you’re doing. Male comedians will not like that advice, but it is the truth.
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I think someone should design exercise machines that reward people with sex at the end of their workouts, because people will perform superhuman feats for even the faint hope of that.
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Sometimes if you have a difficult decisin to make, just stall until the answer presents itself.
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To say I’m an overrated troll, when you have never even seen me guard a bridge, is patently unfair.
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When I turned 50, I looked in the mirror and I thought: “Hey, this isn’t the dress rehearsal, this is life and I don’t know how much longer I’m going to have!”
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An interim government was set up in Afghanistan. It included two women, one of whom was Minister of Women’s Affairs. Man, who’d she have to show here ankles to to get that job?
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The arms of Michelle Obama, and doll tits. The person closest to actually achieving this look is Kim Kardashian, who, as we know, was made by Russian scientists to sabotage our athletes.
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If you are a woman and you bought this book for practical tips on how to make it in a male-dominated workplace, here they are. No pigtails, no tube tops. Cry sparingly.
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You can tell how smart people are by what they laugh at.
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Every kid has something they’re good at, that you hope they find and gravitate toward.
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It was reported that the New York Knicks have won all 12 of the home games attended by magician David Blaine. A spokesman for the Knicks said, ‘if this is what it takes to win, it’s not worth it.’
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And I can see Russia from my house.
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You transition as a mother from literally just pulling a booger out of that person’s nose whenever you see one until at some point they assert: “No, I’m a person. You can’t fix my underpants on the subway.”
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It’s the same reason I don’t get Hooters. Why do we need to enjoy chicken wings and boobies at the same time? Yes, they are a natural and beautiful part of the human experience. And so are boobies. But why at the same time?
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Now every girl is expected to have: Caucasian blue eyes, full Spanish lips, a classic button nose, hairless Asian skin with a California tan, a Jamaican dance hall ass, long Swedish legs, small Japanese feet, the abs of a lesbian gym owner, the hips of a nine-year-old boy.
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Ah, babies! They’re more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts.
TINA FEY