And I can see Russia from my house.
TINA FEYThere is no one of-woman-born who does not like Red Lobster cheddar biscuits. Anyone who claims otherwise is a liar and a Socialist.
More Tina Fey Quotes
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Thomas Jefferson-another gorgeous white boy who would not have been interested in me. This was my problem in a nutshell. To get some play in Charlottesville, you had to be either a Martha Jefferson or a Sally Hemings.
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Obviously, as an adult I realize this girl-on-girl sabotage is the third worst kind of female behavior, right behind saying “like” all the time and leaving your baby in a dumpster.
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According to a new study, women in satisfying marriages are less likely to develop cardiovascular diseases than unmarried women. So don’t worry, lonely women, you’ll be dead soon.
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I want to thank my parents for somehow raising me to have confidence that is disproportionate with my looks and abilities.
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I want every day to be the most boring news day ever. I want every day to be about spelling bee champions and baby basketball. It’s better to have no comedy material than a horrific news day.
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I prefer the retro chic of spending Christmas just like Joseph and Mary did – Traveling arduously back to the place of your birth to be counted, with no guarantee of a bed when you get there.
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If you retain nothing else, always remember the most important Rule of Beauty. “Who cares?”
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Don’t be too precious or attached to anything you write. Let things be malleable.
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Gay people don’t actually try to convert people. That’s Jehovah’s Witnesses you’re thinking of.
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When humor works, it works because it’s clarifying what people already feel. It has to come from someplace real.
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You do not have to sleep with a comedian to learn what you’re doing. Male comedians will not like that advice, but it is the truth.
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For my first show at ‘SNL’, I wrote a Bill Clinton sketch, and during our read-through, it wasn’t getting any laughs.
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I am going to dedicate myself, full time, to my day-drinking.
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Confidence is 10 percent hard work and 90 percent delusion, just thinking foolishly that you will be able to do what you want to do
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Seriously, I’ve just realized that almost everyone is a fraud, so I try not to feel too bad about it.
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I’m not that good looking… nobody is that good looking. I have seen a lot of movie stars, and maybe four are amazing looking. The rest have a team of gay guys who make it happen.
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I feel like there is a lot of inherent humor in the stress and insanity surrounding that process.
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My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.
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If you are a woman and you bought this book for practical tips on how to make it in a male-dominated workplace, here they are. No pigtails, no tube tops. Cry sparingly.
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To me YES, AND means don’t be afraid to contribute. Always make sure you’re adding something to the discussion. Your initiations are worthwhile.
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I can’t possibly take time off for a second baby, unless I do, in which case that is nobody’s business and I’ll never regret it for a moment unless it ruins my life.
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The arms of Michelle Obama, and doll tits. The person closest to actually achieving this look is Kim Kardashian, who, as we know, was made by Russian scientists to sabotage our athletes.
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Not only is my wardrobe totally average, my body’s totally average. I love all the candy-fantasy fulfillment of Sex and the City.
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Nothing is creepier than a bunch of adults being very quiet.
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Lesson learned? When people say, “You really, really must” do something, it means you don’t really have to. No one ever says, “You really, really must deliver the baby during labor.” When it’s true, it doesn’t need to be said.
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Why are my arms so weak? It’s like I did that push-up last year for nothing!
TINA FEY