“Confidence is 10 percent hard work and 90 percent delusion.”

When a man plays a woman in a dress, you’re halfway there. It’s inherently funny. When a woman plays a man, for whatever reason, it’s not that instant kind of funny.

There is no one of-woman-born who does not like Red Lobster cheddar biscuits. Anyone who claims otherwise is a liar and a Socialist.

Don’t waste your energy trying to educate or change opinions… Do your thing and don’t care if they like it.

Don’t be too precious or attached to anything you write. Let things be malleable.

Life is improvisation.

In order to feel safer on his private jet, actor John Travolta has purchased a bomb-sniffing dog. Unfortunately for the actor, the dog came six movies too late.

Sometimes you want to have a very productive Saturday to feel that you are in control of your life, which of course you are not.

In an attempt to make things easier for myself, which is the basis for all of history’s worst decisions […].

When I turned 50, I looked in the mirror and I thought: “Hey, this isn’t the dress rehearsal, this is life and I don’t know how much longer I’m going to have!”

People lose their minds, trying to prove their parental worth by getting their children into one of five colleges; when there are thousands of good colleges across the United States – and elsewhere.

‘How do you juggle it all?’ people constantly ask me, with an accusatory look in their eyes. ‘You’re screwing it all up, aren’t you?’ their eyes say.

I hire people that are good, and aren’t crazy. Or assholes. Because that takes up too much time. There are just as many good people who are not crazy.

What Turning Forty Means to Me I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that. But now I do.

Ah, babies! They’re more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts.

Just say yes and you’ll figure it out afterwards.

I am constantly amazed by Tina Fey. And I am Tina Fey.

It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness.

All things of the body stream away like a river, all things of the mind are dreams and delusion; life is warfare, and a visit to a strange land; the only lasting fame is oblivion.

There is danger for him who taketh the tiger cub, and danger also for whoso snatches a delusion from a woman.

When one person suffers from a delusion, it is called insanity. When many people suffer from a delusion it is called Religion.

Such delusions of grandeur to think that a God with a hundred billion galaxies on his mind would give a tuppenny damn who you sleep with, or indeed whether you believe in him.

Faith is belief without evidence and reason; coincidentally that’s also the definition of delusion.

Vision without execution is delusion.

For me, it is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring.