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1. black
2. grey
3. blue
4. red
5. brown
6. white

I have a thing for tools.

Tim Allen

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MyselfTools

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  In my experience, it’s all wonderful with girls until about 16. Around that time, boys kind of calm down and start focusing their testosterone. Girls get a little challenging, especially for fathers.

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  I do a lot of family shows.

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  Comedy is the ultimate anarchist.

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  Before Kady was born, I didn’t think having a kid would be such a big deal. My attitude was simple: Babies are nice, play with them, put them in the closet until the next time.

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  I’m a creative guy, artistically with graphics.

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  But separate a man from his car – that’s inhuman.

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  Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn’t go far didn’t see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.

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  Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work, or prison.

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  I’m one of these guys that just spoils the environment. I like ATVs and snowmobiles. I have a motorcycle up there, and I like cruising through the hills.

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  I think women like Ferraris. A Ferrari is everybody’s car.

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  There is no greater feeling than when a groom turns to see his bride and has tears in his eyes because she is so beautiful.

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  Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you are tired and most of your balls are missing.

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  I’m a very bad student, but a great learner.

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  Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

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  They say you only go around once, but with a muscle car you can go around two or three times.

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  Jill, we became parents so we could tell our kids what to do. Otherwise we’re just the tallest people living here.

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