Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you are tired and most of your balls are missing.
TIM ALLENWomen are brilliant. Every woman knows how to do the weirdest thing right out of the bucket. Every woman knows how to do that Hindu head wrap with the towel out of the shower. Ever try to do that? You look like a drunk Iraqi soldier.
More Tim Allen Quotes
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If it ain’t broke, you can probably still fix it.
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Never comment on a woman’s rear end. Never use the words ‘large’ or ‘size’ with ‘rear end’. Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.
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But separate a man from his car – that’s inhuman.
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I’m a very bad student, but a great learner.
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Jill, we became parents so we could tell our kids what to do. Otherwise we’re just the tallest people living here.
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A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.
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Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn’t go far didn’t see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.
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Men are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
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In marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship.
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Men aren’t men until they can get to Sears by themselves.
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You don’t know what people are really like until they’re under a lot of stress.
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The world’s a mean place. It’s unfair, then it’s fair. It’s hateful, then it’s loving. It’s a very peculiar place on philosophical and metaphysical and religious levels.
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Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they’re going to respect Mom.
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If you want to condemn yourself for the mistakes you’ve made, let’s be fair, that means you’ve got to congratulate yourself for all the good things you’ve done. It’s okay to say, “God, I wish I’d done this; yeah, but I did do that.” Then it kind of balances out.
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My stepfather stepped in where no man would’ve stepped in – six kids, five of them boys – and that’s heroic.
TIM ALLEN






