Men are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
TIM ALLENWomen are brilliant. Every woman knows how to do the weirdest thing right out of the bucket. Every woman knows how to do that Hindu head wrap with the towel out of the shower. Ever try to do that? You look like a drunk Iraqi soldier.
More Tim Allen Quotes
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The big advantage to playing the Venetian in Las Vegas – where it’s a beautiful theater – is that unlike other places, even many other nice venues, I can do a set and lighting cues, I can put on a real show. I can dress up, wear a tux.
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The ego is like a kid in the basement: It’s best to keep him busy.
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I’ve gotten so far past the Android and iPhones that I’m back to a flip-phone. It’s funny, you can buy antique flip-phones online. A lot of us collect them. Clearly, they’re considered antiques.
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Never comment on a woman’s rear end. Never use the words ‘large’ or ‘size’ with ‘rear end’. Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.
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I don’t understand why it has to be either – or – either socialism or democracy. Why can’t we combine things to get the best of each system?
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If you don’t decide where you’re going, life will decide for you.
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Comedy is the ultimate anarchist.
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A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.
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Use a screwdriver instead of a hammer. Try to untighten the nut with your hand. Utilize the path of least resistance first.
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If you want to condemn yourself for the mistakes you’ve made, let’s be fair, that means you’ve got to congratulate yourself for all the good things you’ve done. It’s okay to say, “God, I wish I’d done this; yeah, but I did do that.” Then it kind of balances out.
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Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.
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Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you are tired and most of your balls are missing.
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When you’re 6 or 7, your father becomes this wonderful presence in your life. I really responded to my father. And then, the very moment I realized that I loved him unconditionally, that life was going to be great just because he was in it, he was gone.
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Nothing’s as easy as it is on a sitcom. Issues that we take care of in 20 minutes on the show can stretch out over years in real families.
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I know it sounds odd, but I want to make a Rolex-quality screwdriver.
TIM ALLEN