The world’s a mean place. It’s unfair, then it’s fair. It’s hateful, then it’s loving. It’s a very peculiar place on philosophical and metaphysical and religious levels.
TIM ALLENWomen are brilliant. Every woman knows how to do the weirdest thing right out of the bucket. Every woman knows how to do that Hindu head wrap with the towel out of the shower. Ever try to do that? You look like a drunk Iraqi soldier.
More Tim Allen Quotes
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Comedy is the ultimate anarchist.
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Why go to a church to worship God? A church is man made. God never said, “And let there be aluminum siding.” Climbing a tree to talk to God sounds like a better idea since only God can make a tree. And if that tree’s on a golf course, all the better.
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All men like to think that they can do it alone, but a real man knows that there no substitute for support , encouragement or a pit crew.
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When I went to jail, reality hit so hard that it took my breath away, took my stance away, took my strength away. I was there buck naked, humiliated, sitting in my own crap and urine – this is a metaphor. My ego had run off. Your ego is the biggest coward.
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I think women like Ferraris. A Ferrari is everybody’s car.
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Never comment on a woman’s rear end. Never use the words ‘large’ or ‘size’ with ‘rear end’. Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.
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In marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship.
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Being wealthy when no one else is, is like being the only one at the party with a drink.
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My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
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I love women. I actually prefer girls, as a parent, because they disappoint at a different age. They go through that, “Dad’s an idiot,” which lasted a little longer than I’d like.
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When somebody tells you they’re not very smart, they’re saying exactly the opposite.
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You don’t know what people are really like until they’re under a lot of stress.
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I’m actually more of a cat guy than a dog person because I travel so much. I love cats.
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As the Chinese will tell you, history depends on your point of view.
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I am a thespian trapped in a man’s body.
TIM ALLEN