Man is the only animal to borrow tools.
TIM ALLENWomen are brilliant. Every woman knows how to do the weirdest thing right out of the bucket. Every woman knows how to do that Hindu head wrap with the towel out of the shower. Ever try to do that? You look like a drunk Iraqi soldier.
More Tim Allen Quotes
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Real men don’t use instructions, son. Besides, this is just the manufacturer’s opinion on how to put this together.
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Anytime you work with animals, you begin to see more humanity in them.
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Never comment on a woman’s rear end. Never use the words ‘large’ or ‘size’ with ‘rear end’. Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.
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Why go to a church to worship God? A church is man made. God never said, “And let there be aluminum siding.” Climbing a tree to talk to God sounds like a better idea since only God can make a tree. And if that tree’s on a golf course, all the better.
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Comedy is the ultimate anarchist.
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When somebody tells you they’re not very smart, they’re saying exactly the opposite.
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I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I’ve never gotten over it.
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I was gone so much in my first marriage. I love the moments when I engage with my youngest daughter now. It’s not my thing to sit on the ground and play tea party, but I’ll do it because it’s a moment that will stick with me forever.
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Women are brilliant. Every woman knows how to do the weirdest thing right out of the bucket. Every woman knows how to do that Hindu head wrap with the towel out of the shower. Ever try to do that? You look like a drunk Iraqi soldier.
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When I went to jail, reality hit so hard that it took my breath away, took my stance away, took my strength away. I was there buck naked, humiliated, sitting in my own crap and urine – this is a metaphor. My ego had run off. Your ego is the biggest coward.
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Jill, we became parents so we could tell our kids what to do. Otherwise we’re just the tallest people living here.
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I’m sad for adults who want to be children. And children who want to be adults.
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Men aren’t men until they can get to Sears by themselves.
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I know it sounds odd, but I want to make a Rolex-quality screwdriver.
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I love women. I actually prefer girls, as a parent, because they disappoint at a different age. They go through that, “Dad’s an idiot,” which lasted a little longer than I’d like.
TIM ALLEN






