I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
STEVEN WRIGHTI installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
More Steven Wright Quotes
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
STEVEN WRIGHT






