I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
STEVEN WRIGHTI installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
More Steven Wright Quotes
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
STEVEN WRIGHT