I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
STEVEN WRIGHTI installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
STEVEN WRIGHT