It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
STEVEN WRIGHTI installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
More Steven Wright Quotes
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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Half the people you know are below average.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
STEVEN WRIGHT