If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
STEVEN WRIGHTWhen I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
STEVEN WRIGHT