Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
STEVEN WRIGHTI had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
STEVEN WRIGHT -
You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
STEVEN WRIGHT