If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
STEVEN WRIGHTI had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
STEVEN WRIGHT