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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

Steven Wright

I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Addiction Difference Myself Quit
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Day Life Yourself
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Fight Funny Gift Myself Room
All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Believe Funny Hands Myself Science Yourself
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Funny Herself Myself Night Time Walk
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Appointment Dental Eat Herself Time Visit Wait
When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Inspirational Motivational Struggle Way Wrong Yourself
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Believe Funny Himself Man Stars Touch
My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Attention Believe Himself Myself Sick
I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Animal Dog Himself Myself Return
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Memories Photograph Yourself
Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Animal Flavor Food Funny
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Lost Myself Place Thinking
You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Fall Feeling Myself Sit Time
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Funny Kill Learning Love Myself Time
If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Money Thinking Worth Yourself

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

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