There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
STEVEN WRIGHTI had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
STEVEN WRIGHT