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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.

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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Education Funny Myself Perfection Practice Stop Teacher
Half the people you know are below average.
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Average Level People Yourself
My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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Attention Believe Himself Myself Sick
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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Discipline Funny Himself Person Time
My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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Better Doctor Myself Pay Right Work Yourself
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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Literature Word Wrong
I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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Book Funny Myself Writing
All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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Believe Funny Hands Myself Science Yourself
There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Idiot Ocean Stand Wait
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Appearance Different Fingers Hands
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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Lost Myself Place Thinking
Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Friendship Gift Myself Sex
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Darkness Device Myself
I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
STEVEN WRIGHT

Angry Install Light Live Myself People
I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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Funny Goodness Myself Oneself Worth
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Bad Conscience Memories

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