You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
STEVEN WRIGHTWhen I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
STEVEN WRIGHT