I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
STEVEN WRIGHTWhen I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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Half the people you know are below average.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
STEVEN WRIGHT