Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
STEVEN WRIGHTNo one is listening until you make a mistake.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Clones are people two.
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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Half the people you know are below average.
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
STEVEN WRIGHT