I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
STEVEN WRIGHTNo one is listening until you make a mistake.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
STEVEN WRIGHT