black
grey
blue
red
brown
white

I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.

Steven Wright

The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Children Deep Difference Growth Learning Old Philosophy See Teaching Yourself
If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Death Funny Success Yourself
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Funny Herself Myself Night Time Walk
Half the people you know are below average.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Average Level People Yourself
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Funny Mad Music Myself Night Play
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Bad Conscience Memories
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Believe Funny Himself Man Stars Touch
My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Attention Believe Himself Myself Sick
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Alphabet Order Song
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Fight Funny Gift Myself Room
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Control Death Game Yourself
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Appearance Funny Hairs Stick
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Advice Bird Deep Funny Patience Worm
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Eat Food Funny Human
You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Fall Feeling Myself Sit Time
I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Company Game Myself Thinking Wrong

I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

More Steven Wright Quotes