Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
STEVEN WRIGHTI got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
STEVEN WRIGHT