Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
STEVEN WRIGHTI intend to live forever. So far, so good.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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Clones are people two.
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
STEVEN WRIGHT