If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
STEVEN WRIGHTI intend to live forever. So far, so good.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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Half the people you know are below average.
STEVEN WRIGHT