My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
STEVEN WRIGHTWhy, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
STEVEN WRIGHT