Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
STEVEN WRIGHTThere’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
STEVEN WRIGHT