The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
STEVEN WRIGHTThere’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
STEVEN WRIGHT