I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
STEVEN WRIGHTThere’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
STEVEN WRIGHT