If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
STEVEN WRIGHTThere’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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Half the people you know are below average.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
STEVEN WRIGHT