Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
STEVEN WRIGHTThere’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
STEVEN WRIGHT