Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
STEVEN WRIGHTMy dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
STEVEN WRIGHT