If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
STEVEN WRIGHTMy dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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Half the people you know are below average.
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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Clones are people two.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
STEVEN WRIGHT