My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
STEVEN WRIGHTI was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
STEVEN WRIGHT