When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
STEVEN WRIGHTI was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
STEVEN WRIGHT