Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
STEVEN WRIGHTI was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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Half the people you know are below average.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
STEVEN WRIGHT






