I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
STEVEN WRIGHTI was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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Half the people you know are below average.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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Clones are people two.
STEVEN WRIGHT