I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
STEVEN WRIGHTHow do you get off a non-stop flight?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
STEVEN WRIGHT






