When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
STEVEN WRIGHTHow do you get off a non-stop flight?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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Half the people you know are below average.
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
STEVEN WRIGHT