Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
STEVEN WRIGHTHow do you get off a non-stop flight?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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Half the people you know are below average.
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Clones are people two.
STEVEN WRIGHT