If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
STEVEN WRIGHTHow do you get off a non-stop flight?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
STEVEN WRIGHT