Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
STEVEN WRIGHTHow do you get off a non-stop flight?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
STEVEN WRIGHT