If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
STEVEN WRIGHTI am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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Half the people you know are below average.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
STEVEN WRIGHT