Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
STEVEN WRIGHTI am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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Half the people you know are below average.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
STEVEN WRIGHT