If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
STEVEN WRIGHTI couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
STEVEN WRIGHT