I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
STEVEN WRIGHTI couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
STEVEN WRIGHT