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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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$Steven Wright Quote - Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.$

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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