I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
STEVEN WRIGHTI couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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Clones are people two.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
STEVEN WRIGHT