How do you get off a non-stop flight?
STEVEN WRIGHTI couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
STEVEN WRIGHT