Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
STEVEN WRIGHTIn my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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Clones are people two.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
STEVEN WRIGHT