My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
STEVEN WRIGHTIn my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
More Steven Wright Quotes
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
STEVEN WRIGHT