In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
STEVEN WRIGHTIn my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
STEVEN WRIGHT