Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
STEVEN WRIGHTIn my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
STEVEN WRIGHT -
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
STEVEN WRIGHT






