All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
STEVEN WRIGHT