When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
STEVEN WRIGHT