If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
STEVEN WRIGHTIf at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
STEVEN WRIGHT