If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
STEVEN WRIGHTIf at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
STEVEN WRIGHT