In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
STEVEN WRIGHTIf at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
STEVEN WRIGHT