Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
STEVEN WRIGHTIf at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
STEVEN WRIGHT