If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
STEVEN WRIGHTWhenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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Half the people you know are below average.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
STEVEN WRIGHT