Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
STEVEN WRIGHTWhenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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Half the people you know are below average.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
STEVEN WRIGHT