Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
STEVEN WRIGHTWhenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
STEVEN WRIGHT






