You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
STEVEN WRIGHTWhy isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
STEVEN WRIGHT