How do you get off a non-stop flight?
STEVEN WRIGHTWhy isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
STEVEN WRIGHT