Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
STEVEN WRIGHTWhy isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
STEVEN WRIGHT