“I don’t like to do material people have heard. Now, they like to hear material that they know, because that’s the stuff that made me famous, and, unfortunately, I don’t do a ton of it.”

I’ve never been one to look up the ladder. I’ve always looked down the ladder. As long as there’s one guy down there, I’m fine.

I’ve been married a few times. I’m not good at it.

If you become famous and don’t have a live show to back it up, they’re not going to pay you any money.

I’ve asked these guys in rock bands with all the 18-wheelers driving to the venue how they make money. I just don’t understand it. But I don’t understand a lot of things.

I don’t know who in my family thinks very fast at all, including me. The things that people see me do onstage are written, so it doesn’t have to be very quick if you have all day with a pen.

The next time you have a thought… let it go.

You can teach somebody how to be a brain surgeon, but you cannot teach them how to walk on a stage and make people laugh.

When I was about 12 years old back in Houston, my Dad used to take us to the driving range.

I do live like a rock star, but it’s not as great as it sounds. It’s a lot of traveling.

I have a very fun life. I don’t recommend it for anybody else, but it sure has been fun for me.

My favorite bands are the Allman Brothers and Red Hot Chili Peppers.

We always go out looking for live music after our shows.

I was always a funny guy. I don’t think anybody that makes it to this level of stand-up wasn’t a funny guy when they were young.

If I sit down to write a joke about, whatever, the polluted Gulf of Mexico, it comes out mundane to me.

I was a huge fan of comedy when I was a child.

I’m not the judge of who that is, but I am a believer that no debt in the universe goes unpaid. If you try to buy early, you’ll pay late.

People always say, ‘How is it to be so successful?’ I’m not successful yet. Richard Branson is successful. That’s successful. Michael Jackson was successful. U2 was successful.

You don’t have to have an attitude if you’re famous.

My soul is that of a drummer. I didn’t do it to become rich and famous. I did it because it was the love of my life.

I think anybody who’s famous has to deal with their fame in their own way.

This [discovery of a cell-free yeast extract] will make him famous

Celebrities and ‘famous’ people are just regular folks. I know, it’s a shocking and potentially dangerous statement.

The most famous person in my phone is Lindsay Lohan. We starred in ‘Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen’ together in 2004 and we’ve stayed in touch.

The finest mode of transport known to man.