My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDIf it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD






