One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDIf it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD