I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDIf it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD