I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD