My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD






