When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDWhen I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDYeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDSome dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy mother had morning sickness after I was born.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDOn Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDWith me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDActing deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDIf it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDWhen I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD