I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD