I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD