My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
RODNEY DANGERFIELD