Funny Quotes

Well, I used to look like this when I was young and now I still do.

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?

Why are there no “during” pictures?

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.

I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.

Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.

Women are brilliant. Every woman knows how to do the weirdest thing right out of the bucket. Every woman knows how to do that Hindu head wrap with the towel out of the shower. Ever try to do that? You look like a drunk Iraqi soldier.

Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”

I’ve no interest in being thought provoking. Who needs more thoughts. I’d rather go down as one who is thought disposing.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’