Funny Quotes

I can at any moment convert my time into money, but I do not require more of the latter than is sufficient for necessary purposes.

Friends are “annuals” that need seasonal nurturing to bear blossoms. Family is a “perennial” that comes up year after year, enduring the droughts of absence and neglect. There’s a place in the garden for both of them.

Though I had never written a memoir, I was confident that given enough time, I could do a serviceable job. Not elegant, but blunt, informative and funnier than most readers would expect.

I don’t date. I audition for marriage.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.

Katy Perry still gets me every time. She’s very funny in person! We met at the Teen Choice Awards and she pulled my cheeks apart and told me how cute I was. My life was literally flashing before my eyes!

I guess I just believe in Trixie Mattel, and I believe in the work. I don’t think I’m better than anybody else, but I really think that I’m hilarious and beautiful.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”

I have definitely had guys walk up to me, put their arm around me, and when they walk away, my shoulder smells like taco meat.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.