Topic
Funny Quotes
900 quotes
Short funny quotes from writers, poets and thinkers. Copy one, share it, or download it as an image.
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Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
W. C. FieldsW. C. Fields Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
Steven WrightSteven Wright Common sense ain’t common.
Will RogersWill Rogers I’ve been up and down so many times that I feel as if I’m in a revolving door.
CherCher How can money be the root of all evil when shopping is the cure for all sadness?
Elizabeth TaylorElizabeth Taylor You have to consider the possibility that God does not like you.
Brad PittBrad Pitt How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo PhilipsEmo Philips My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
Joan RiversJoan Rivers I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
Mitch HedbergMitch Hedberg If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
Steven WrightSteven Wright Don’t love someone to get into a relationship, love someone to create a partnership.
Aaron BellAaron Bell When will the leaves begin to change in this body of mine?
Mila AlexandrovnaMila Alexandrovna Are you willing to trust yourself and do what needs to be done in order to be who you were meant to be?
Nansia MovidiNansia Movidi The idea that we are so capable of love but still choose to be toxic.
Rupi KaurRupi Kaur I am an arrow – Put me in your bow and let fly. Let this story go by in the blink of an eye.
Bisma IjazBisma Ijaz And you have fast become my weakness, even as you remain my source of strength.
Alma-May NoaAlma-May Noa