Funny Quotes

I’m a giraffe. I even walk like a giraffe with a long neck and legs. It’s a pretty dumb animal, mind you.

When I sell liquor, it’s bootlegging. When my patrons serve it on a silver tray on Lakeshore Drive, it’s hospitality.

I had once thought I would become a doctor but gave up on the thought soon enough. I took up the racquet instead. Later, when I saw my sister studying so much to become a doctor, I was like, ‘Thank God I am a shuttler!’

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”

I don’t care what kind it is, just get me a beer.

We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.

We’re just playing basketball. It’s not like we’re going out to have unprotected sex with Magic.

[On the ringing of her doorbell or telephone:] What fresh hell is this?

Beer may cause you to digress and lead a happier life.

There’s no bigger pain anywhere in the world than a vegetarian.