Funny Quotes
True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.
Kurt VonnegutKurt Vonnegut Fools stand on their island of opportunities and look toward another land.
Henry David ThoreauHenry David Thoreau An affair now and then is good for a marriage. It adds spice, stops it from getting boring. I ought to know.
Bette DavisBette Davis Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
Mitch HedbergMitch Hedberg I can be reasonably funny and light-hearted when I’m in the company of good friends, but I’m not a jokesmith. I tend to be quite serious.
Rowan AtkinsonRowan Atkinson I think that I’m so psychotic and so mentally ill that if I could tap into that I could do something really interesting.
Megan FoxMegan Fox If someone ever asks you to do something for them, do it really bad so you never have to do it again.
Paris HiltonParis Hilton I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.
W. C. FieldsW. C. Fields From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere!
Dr. SeussDr. Seuss You can beat me up, but don’t touch my hair, I will kill you!
Jet LiJet Li One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
Mitch HedbergMitch Hedberg Cleaning the house while the children are home is like shoveling while it’s still snowing.
Erma BombeckErma Bombeck If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
Mitch HedbergMitch Hedberg How can you govern a country which has 246 varieties of cheese?
Charles de GaulleCharles de Gaulle Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
Joan RiversJoan Rivers Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
Groucho MarxGroucho Marx