Funny Quotes

I like my wine like my women – ready to pass out.

It’s funny. All you have to do is say something nobody understands and they’ll do practically anything you want them to.

Funny how it kept hitting me, like each new thing was a surprise. When was I going to stop being surprised?

Negative, I am a meat popsicle.

Don’t mess with our fans or we’ll come and find you.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.

Funny things tend not to happen to me. I am not a natural comic. I need to think about things a lot before I can be even remotely amusing.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?

I can be reasonably funny and light-hearted when I’m in the company of good friends, but I’m not a jokesmith. I tend to be quite serious.

Balding if God’s way of showing you are only human… He takes the hair off your head and puts it in your ears.